| Hello |
[May. 2nd, 2007|12:17 am] |
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i'm not exactly sure, when i find out i'll post more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|10:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
Since I'm not going to be around tomorrow to wish all my friends on the internet a happy new years I figured a post to this damned thing would do. So, without any further adieu, my message to you...
HAPPY NEW YEAR! |
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| PLEASE! |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|08:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Helios - Velius | ] |
someone fix my brain. :( |
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| just me whining again |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|11:56 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | apop - unicorn (duet version) / rjd2 - work | ] |
you are gone
i'm so all alone
here's what left,
of a happy home
she'll be back
that's what i said
as i stare at the ceiling
cause i need you baby
oh, how i miss you baby
cause i need you baby
oh, how i miss you baby
cause i need you baby
oh, how i miss you baby
rjd2 - work
I really wish this song didn't summarize my feelins as well as they do. I know I should be moving on and what not, but for right now I just can't seem to get over this. I really loved her. I know she's not coming back, but I can't stop hoping that she does. It's odd, the relationship we had, I just wish i would have realized how good I had it before it was too late, hindsight 20/20 etc.
I know I'll get over it and with time these feelings will pass, I just wish they would be gone. She always talked about being together for the long haul, and that had made me nervous to think about, but I had thought about it and realized it wouldn't be a bad thing, infact it would be a good thing. Too little too late. Then to find out she's already seeing someone else, wow, I think that almost hurt more than anything. After all the time we spent together she had already moved on like I never mattered at all
I try to stay busy to hopefully keep my mind off of her, but it seems like everything I do reminds me of her. Most of the things I enjoy doing she was with me, especially watching movies. We would always watch movies, now it seems I can't sit through one with out wishing she was next to me. Booze really makes things worse, I tried to drink last night but after only a couple drinks I knew where I was headed and ended up going home early. I couldn't even sleep, i roamed around my room and basement until damn near 3am. I finally fell asleep and then I had a shitty dream. I dreamt that I had come back from school and tried to talk to her and she dumped me. I went throught the whole thing again.
MAN!, I really was being a whiney little bitch, someone really just needed to slap the shit out of me. But, hindsight being 20/20 and all, things are never really as bad as they seem. Plus, I got rid of her and now i'm dating a girl i've had a thing for for a couple years now and I'm actually happy with her. it's not just a "well shit, i guess i'll settle for her" kind of thing, and it's fucking awesome.
About dreams, a few years ago after my sister died, a few months after, I had a dream where I got shot in the shoulder and I died. I woke up a bit shaken up, but I fell back asleep and right into the same dream again only i got shot in the opposite shoulder. Several months after that I developed a bloodclot in a vein in my shoulder and came to find out i had a kind of birth defect where my the bones in clavical/shoulder area didn't form right. So, here I am with two fucked up shoulders thinking about that damn dream. I haven't died in a dream since, at least one that I wake up and remember. That is, until a few days ago. I had a dream kind of the similar situation as the previous one where I died, trying to defuse a violent situation where someone had a gun, and this time I got shot and was killed. I haven't been feeling the best lately, and I got shot in the chest, stomach areas, kind of where a lot of my problems have. So, this has been on my mind a bit, too. I don't really know what to make of it, hopefully it was *just* a dream, I guess time will tell. |
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| new and shiny |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|12:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | vnv nation - solitude | ] |
so i've got a new user icon that is fucking ace. this is my second semester back in school and i'm actually going to class and studying and doing excellent in my studies. my car and financial situations have been a bit fucked up, but i've got my car back and i think i will have enough money to pay off all of my bills so it's not too bad, all-in-all lifes pretty good right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|07:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fuck. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | xtahl - ambient (black hole mix) | ] |
Today has to be one of the shittiest days on record for a while. it all started this morning at the gym, I don't know how it happened but I pulled something in my neck and it has been sore all fucking day. Next, I twisted my knee getting out my car upon arriving at work and has hurt since. While I was working in the shop this morning I burned my arm on a fucking air compressor, and it still fucking hurts. I didn't actually get out of the shop until about 11:30am and got back about 2:30pm or so. Then I got sent home early. Again. Of course, I can't say that I’m totally disappointed I got sent home early. I’ve been in a strange mood about my job for a while. So I get home and everything is cool, until my knee starts up bad again. Then, my dad calls me downstairs and somehow I fell down the last 4 or 5 steps in the staircase and hurt my wrist and other knee. And on top of all of this I don't have any drugs and the girlfriend doesn't seem to want to come over. I think I need a vacation from everything for a while.
~/ a pill to make you numb.
a pill to make you dumb.
a pill to make you anybody else.
but all the drugs in the world wont save me from myself. ~/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|10:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Pete Namlook & Tetsu Inoue - Hands Of Light 2 | ] |
so what do you when you are faced with a potentially life changing decision? is it better to know? what do you do if you find out and it's what you feared it was, or even something that may end up being worse? this has been bothering me for some time now, i wish i had the guts to do something about it.... maybe i will i dunno. it sure would be nice to know, but then again; ignorance is bliss. maybe.
i guess i'm more worried about what i'll do if it turns out bad, i'm not sure i would have any strength left to carry on any more. it's been an uphill battle for since day one and i haven't gotten a break in a long time. hopefully sleep will provide me with some much needed rest, as it is going to be another early day tomorrow.
goodnight dear friends. |
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| it's strange |
[Jul. 10th, 2005|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | gah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cEvin Key - 15th Shade | ] |
how when she is around i tell myself we shouldn't be together, but when she's not around i miss her...
on a better note, i'm starting at the gym with a personal trainer twice a week ! time to finally get off my ass and do something about my fat ass.
now i'm going to watch sahara. |
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| bleh. |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|05:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Underworld - Dirty Epic (album version) | ] |
I am in need of a hug. |
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| i have returned... again |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Future Sound Of London - Cascade | ] |
so im' finally moved back home and actually have *real* broadband to pay with now. yay. i also start my new job on the 4th of this coming month. again, yay. post more when there is... more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2005|01:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Harold Budd - The Room Of Ancillary Dreams | ] |
well, true to form all of my plans seem to have gone kaput. so i guess i will be spending the weekend playing uo or something. |
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| finally |
[Mar. 11th, 2005|12:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Wumpscut - Wreath of barbs (Album Mix) | ] |
well i seem to have a chance to get my hands on some psychadelics for this weekend so i am extremely excited ^_^ !!!!! |
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| i'm bored. |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|09:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
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| why? |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|06:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | eh | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Future Sound Of London - Antique Toy | ] |
how can i live in a fucking college town and not be able to find anything that closely resembles drugs?! is it too much to ask to be able to find some pot, shrooms, or acid somewhere?! i mean hell, this is my last week here in ames anyway, i might as well spend it fucked up.
i almost forgot, my trip to chicago went very well, i had an excellent time with my dad. we got around to a few of the sites and did quite a bit of walking. hopefully i'll ahve more chances to spend with my parents in the future on trips like this. as long as it's short though, lol, i love my parents but i can't stand them for more than a few days at a time. |
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| weee |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|09:32 am] |
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i'm going to chicago for a few days with my dad, be back on march 1. |
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| so very appropriate. |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|12:44 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Delarosa and Asora - Paz Suite 1 | ] |
"all the weights that keep me down seem heavier than before.......they hit me in my face, though you feel nothing.
only time will heal you say, your words my therapy but half me is gone, my dearest treasure torn away......."
apoptygma berzerk - until the end of the world |
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| argghhh! |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|10:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Susan Vega - Tom's Diner | ] |
then she has to call me! how much to i have go through! |
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| i've got to get out of here. |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|10:50 pm] |
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when i don't talk to her i don't really think about how much i still like her, but on the occassions when i do, i remember just how much i actually do care for her. it's too bad i fucked everything up on that front. anyway hopefully when i get moved out of ames i will be able to start over, well as much as i can. here's to hopeful thinking i guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|02:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Opeth - Patterns in the Ivy | ] |
so after a long night of restage i've managed to have a day that wasn't completely shitty. lets just hope the evening can bring me more of the same. |
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| finally |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|08:50 am] |
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so i finally got some sleep, at *night*! woooo! off to work to work i go! |
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